Well some time has passed since my last post and that has given me a chance to think about what happened. O man it was brutal. In essence I asked for help and didn’t get it, but really it is more than this simplistic explanation. So much more…
I was really sick a couple of weeks ago. So sick in fact I went to get tested to make sure I didn’t have the rona, and thank goodness the test came back negative. The end of this week I had a test, a final to be exact, and I was desperate on how I could have the time to take it and if I would even be well enough to take it. I reached out to someone to ask for help and the response was upsetting. The response was no response really, I didn’t even get a reply to my text. I didn’t even get a read notification on my text that I sent out.
That bothered me a lot, so much that a panic attack was threatening to start the rest of that day. *sigh* I know that I have no control of others blah blah blah, I just wish I could find a way to be ok when stuff like this happens. I know this person is known to not help, so why was it so upsetting for me? This isn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last because even though I know better I imagine I will reach out and ask for help again hoping for the best. That’s the reason I am so upset, I would help if I was asked and yet I don’t get that help. The idealist part of me was so up in arms for about a week while I mulled over what happened and let myself have time to process it all. That shook me to my core, otherwise I wouldn’t have the panic wanting to spring up from my soul and overtake me.
I want to learn who to not give people that much control on myself yet I really don’t know how to do that. To stop that control would mean to stop feeling so deeply, a thing I actually like about myself. So will I have to carry this double edged sword my whole life? Can I really accept that answer? I just don’t know. This experience did highlight the need to find people can trust because clearly I don’t have anyone in my life I find trustworthy other than my kids and I would never want to burden them with adult responsibility at all.