I learned a new word this week. Furt: to feel fine and to hurt at the same time. I found the definition in a urban dictionary online. Seems it was a word created by rappers to use in their songs. I think furt is the perfect word to describe someone with anxiety or depression.
My life has been hell this last year. I am dealing with peri menopause, thyroid dysfunction, and my PTSD symptoms all rolled into a neat little package of misery. My PTSD was pretty much manageable these last several years with therapy and my getting better with self-care. Then around March I felt the symptoms come back after about 5 years taking birth control. I started taking birth control to have as hormone therapy since I was 39 when I first noticed the symptoms. I couldn’t get anyone to really take me seriously even back then, but hey no worries if you ask to get on birth control. So, I went with the only method I had available to me at the time. Then last year when the symptoms came back, I knew I had to try and get other options, like hormone replacement, or anything other than psych meds. Psych meds and I have a complicated relationship. I tried to take a few in the 1990’s and everyone make my anxiety worse and other sad effects like making me almost pass out in from of my son. Instead, I went with cognitive behavior therapy and mindful thinking and it was working.
With the misfunctioning thyroid and the inevitability of middle age my techniques are being worked out big time. I had to quit school because the symptoms were effecting my daily life that much, and I had my kids as the higher priority than school anyway. Now I have a hard time leaving my house on my own, and going to my two major places of “failure” my school and the kids school has triggered a lot of anxiety lately. Bleh, I don’t like feeling like I can’t do my own thing. I get anxiety being alone because of the symptoms causing panic attacks last year, but I get irritated having no alone time. I am finally getting some help, but I have to pay out of pocket. I found a provider that specializes in hormone therapy. She is finding all these issues I brought up to the VA last year in lab results. Black and white evidence that what I was saying to my provider at the VA was on point, and not “it’s not worth testing for” response I got when I brought it up. I am hopeful that I can get on the vitamin supplements I need or yes if needed the meds. I am already taking blood thinners as a result of the blood clot I had last November. The clot was probably due to taking the birth control. I can’t help but think if I got the tests when I asked last June, I may not had developed that clot in the first place. As well.
So yes I am furting every day. I hope anyone reading this who deals with anxiety and depression are furting the best they can as well. /