I am such a mess right now. O man the end of the year has me thinking about what I have done, or more to say have not done, this year. I am feeling the holidays depression and “festive” anxiety in force lately. I am a gamer and I have not been doing well in the one game I am trying to rank up in, Valorant. I have to play on my own a lot again because I can’t get friends to play for valid real life reasons. So I chance the loveliness of the solo que, which means I get paired up with 4 random people to play a team based game. It goes about as well as you can imagine. This is really feeding into the “I can’t do anything right” thoughts and the “I am not good at anything” feelings that I have fought with for most of my life. I just don’t feel like I’m good at anything right now. Not even being a mother.
These last few weeks I lost my temper and yelled at the kids, not helping how I feel for sure. I am struggling with feeling like a total failure, even though I know in my heart I’m really not. I just have to deal with all the pain my past trauma has caused me and tell myself that these traumas don’t represent how life really is because there is more good than bad in the world. I know it, I just wish my heart can feel it right now.