Fear and other baggage

I am so tired of feeling afraid.I have begun to realize just how much a part of my life fear has been through the years. In a way I have had so much fear for so long that is has become like a comfort in a way. Something that is known, predictable, and so I know what to expect with its confines. I didn’t realize just how much it has become a part of my life until these last two years or so when I started pushing against its confines to get out and try something new. I now realize that the creative pursuits I want to do may take longer to get started, and I am beginning to accept that. I used to feel like a failure because I don’t even have a degree and I am almost 50 years old. Today I started to see it in a different perspective. Now I realize that if I have a lot to unpack it makes sense these things I want to do, write and other creative projects, will take longer as I work through the very things that held me back in the first place. I haven’t practiced anything in my dreams, again my writing, until now so why would it pick up all of a sudden? It took about a year and a half to get to this point so I can understand if the rest take a while longer. I am learning to be ok with that. Now I will just keep working and see it though to the end no matter the time or effort. I want to enjoy the journey more instead of focusing on the destination.

I want to be done with this fear and so I am working against it and it has been so much harder than I realized while working to push back against these confines of fear. How long have I just gone along with what has happened to me in my life because I got so used to how things were. I wonder how much more I could have done in my earlier years if I push a bit more before or tired a bit harder like I m trying to do now. I really don’t know. I may have had that chance in the late 1990s when I went to a counselor who had like a self actualization guide, but again fear reared its head and I stopped when things began to feel uncomfortable. I am finally doing what I wish I did years ago and hopefully I can stick with it to its end this time.

Notice I said what I wish I did instead of what I should have done. Yes I know we all wish we did things earlier than we finally do, and this is no exception. I don’t see the feelings of how I am a failure or anything like that because I didn’t work through my fear and other baggage years ago. I can’t work on something I wasn’t ready to do. As much as I wish I was able to work through my stuff way back then to perhaps accomplish more than I have now, I know that all things come in due time. I feel like I am rambling a bit, but I wanted to write this down before I convinced myself to why bother, etc. and not write anything down at all. I just need to get working on it and not be bothered with the time and just focus of the progress instead.